&& hereee we go. i dont have anything to say except that life is moving too fast. actually i have a lot more to say, so here goes.. sorry if there’s typos and what not.. im not really worried about them. i just wanna get these feelings out. so i have these 2 people that i wouldnt trade the world for. my cousin and my best friend. i know i say i have another one, but idk about that right now. she’s on a roller coaster and somethings ganna have to change fast. but anyway. theyre amazing. they keep me smiling when im in the mood to just completley fall apart. i love them will my whole life and everything in me and if i could ever return the favors and just anything and everything they do for me and make up for it, i would. and i try, but theyre just too awesome, its hard to keep up. but i have 2 problems. shes going to college and hes going into the airforce. and im soooo scared. we say well stay friends until the end. and that better happen or i will die. she is the best person ever. we have the same beliefs, were raised the same, same morals. everything. if i lose her, idk what ill do. now my cousin. i have night mares about him alllll the time. im soo scared to lose him. every time i watch a war movie i cry because i know that that man that just died could easily be him in 10 years, if that. he says he wants to go to college before he enlists, but i dont see that happening. but the last thing i want to do is stop him from his dreams. i know he wouldnt go if i told him not to, but im not going to. thats selfish and thats not even close to what im about. ima let him go and ima suffer because i know hes ganna be doing what he wants. and thats all that matters. the other thing is. am i a good person? i hope i am. i hope i am doing the right things, making the right decisions, etc. i hope i make my parents and my family proud. i hope im the child they raised me to be. the last thing i want to be is a disappointment. next thing. the fact that me and “him” are friends now and im talking to the other one is very conflicting. i still miss him and want him, but the other one is soo sweet. i just wish he wasnt as horny as he is. it takes a lot for me to trust someone as much as i trust him and i just dont want things to move too fast and everything end up like it did before. i want us to last, but at the same time i still me the last one. i know if i tell him that i am still getting over, himmmmm, all hell will break lose, but idk what to do. what is the right thing? im so confused. back to my cousin. if i didnt have him. i dont know what id do with my life. hes my best friend, but hes like my brother. i know i can go to him with anything and hell make it better. i just wish i could thank him for that. and kayla. <3 love you. i had more to say when i started writing this, but it kinda all faded from my brain and thats why these are helpful. i think ima post this now, but idk. i dont really wanna. i dont feel like its ready yet. somethings missing and i need to figure out what it is before i go to bed. so while i do that, ima be thankful for my new car. my grandparents dont have any idea how excited i am to get that car. i wish i could have showed it more, but idk. i guess i dont show excitement very well. but anyway. they dont know how thankful i am for them and their generosity. uhoh. here we go with the big words. but it just means so much to me that they would do that. that wasnt an easy decision, i know. and one day i will make it up to them. no matter how hard it is for me. it will happen because i have to. they have done so much for me in my life and thats the least i could do. i dont know what i would do without them and what i willl do when that time comes. im so scared and thats why ima stop talking about it. and i dont remember the other thing, but i need to go to bed before i pass out typing. goodnight<3 and i will probably write again soon.